Sex, since the history of man or human evolution has gone through several changes, even in
terms of definition and form and the individuals engaging in it. Once
upon a time, sex was thought to be primarily for reproductive reasons,
then for the relief of sexual tension and later, for the sexual
pleasure. Right from the explosive documentation of the Kama Sutra,
various studies and experiences have been carried out by persons and
institutions to unravel the mystery of human sexology and why, besides
procreation, sex is important to mortal men and women.
Incest-cartoonFrom the researches of Alfred Kinsey who is regarded as
the father of sexology in the 40s and 50s to Masters and Johnson’s
famous researches on orgasms of the 60s and 70s, sex has become a
subject of great interest to all.
Now, a research conducted by psychologists Cindy Meston and David Buss
on why women have sex which is published in the Archives of Sexual
Behaviour, the duo in their new book of the same title, have listed 237
reasons why women have sex with their partners.
Ranging from the mundane desires to experience physical pleasure; to the
vengeful intentions of getting back at a cheating partner, the
spiritual attempt to get closer to God, or the altruistic gesture of
wanting a partner to feel good about themselves, Meston and Buss
concluded that the motives for engaging in sexual intercourse may be
larger in number than what most people think and psychologically complex
in nature too.
Some of the reasons listed are quite glaring and practiced across
societies and persons at various times, regardless of their marital
status too. In fact, marital sex as well as long term relationships tend
to be more complex than those in newer or non-commitment relationships.
Just as a married woman may have a legion of reasons for not wanting to
have sex, she just might have another gazillion on why she must have
sex.
The most important and common reason being “duty sex”. Once married, it
is assumed that providing sexual pleasure to her partner is a given. She
must fulfill her own side of the bargain to keep the union. To some
other women, it is the price for the status and benefits. In this case,
it has nothing to do with her own sexual pleasures or preference and
more about submission, ditto the man. Many women also believe that the
more sex they have with their partners, the less chances he is likely to
stray.
Women assume that the more sex he gets with them, the less chances he is
likely to think about sex outside the box, much less look for it. While
good communication channel and a strong sexual connection may have been
identified as important keys to a good relationship, hardly has having
sex with a partner on demand been known to keep a person from straying
into the thighs of another individual. Some women also believe that sex
and children are the perfect ways to keep their men.
Women dubiously believe that the more children and responsibility they
throw at their husbands, the less likely they are to walk away from
them. So, where they have agreed on two children, these women, on their
own volition, manipulate or “accidentally” go on to have more children.
This hardly works in some cases. You can only keep a man down for as
long as he wants to stay down. I intend to write more about this complex
situation in subsequent editions. Let’s just go through some reasons I
found quite interesting in this book which I have practical examples
for:
Pity sex: Women may sometimes give in to sex for this simple reason,
after all, we are women with maternal instincts. Some of the women in
the book confessed to have had sex with men just because they felt sorry
for them. According to one, she had been dating a guy over two years
and he had been pleading with her all through. One day, she said she
took pity on him and agreed. However, he was out of the door as soon as
he could pull his pants up. A similar scenario happened to one of the
young girls I counsel.
She’d been dating the guy for quite some time, and though she’d told him
she was no virgin, she’d however decided to go celibate until she was
married. The guy had gone on to systematically work on her emotions and
soon, broke her down. She said the day she agreed to have sex with him,
he had prostrated flat on his stomach, swearing heaven on earth. What
kind of desperation is that? However, what happened after the act,
almost robbed her of her education as she did not want to return to
school.
She said immediately it was over, he jumped up and punched the air with
his fist, asking if that was all that she had to offer and that he’d had
better lays. He went on to tell her that he had only been acting out a
script and never loved her. In fact, he and a couple of guys already
placed a bet on her and though she had tried, he had won eventually. To
make matters worse, he had ordered her out of his room.
She said she ran away from school and several days was even scared to
pick her calls or check the social media as she feared that he had
recorded their activities and might post it on the internet. Eventually,
he had come to apologise but the damage had already been done. Sex for
pity’s sake almost always turn out to leave a sour taste in the mouth as
you can never be sure of the other person’s motives.
Have sex because you want to and not because you feel pressured to, or
are sorry for the guy. That way, should things go sour, you can hold
your head up, look the a- – in the eye and say “f..k off, you fall me, I
fall you, no big deal!” Marriage sex: This is very different from
marital sex. This is simply sex to negotiate for marriage. Some ladies
believe that having sex with a guy will provide them the opportunity to
show the guys and convince them that they are good and suitable for each
other.
To add insult to injury, some of these ladies are prepared to play
little housewife roles, they go over to the guy’s apartments for chores
and even wash their dirty under wears and clothes. Some even cook with
their own money to convince the guys that they can support the union
financially too. My little sister gave me a gist about one of her
friends who played house help for someone she called her fiancé for
almost four years, refusing to heed everyone’s warning.
As suspected, her generosity and selfless acts did not succeed at the
negotiation table as the guy sprung the most unexpected surprise. He
married the daughter of his neighbour and co-tenant, the little girl
that had been calling his fiancée “aunty” and often came to the
apartment to play with her when the guy was not around! My bet is that
she had even run errands between the lovers and had benefited from the
older lady’s generosity too. Eventually, they both betrayed her, her
goodness did not help, neither her assumed sexual prowess.
Trade by barter sex: Just as the phrase imply, this is when you use what
you have to get what you want. The first thing that comes to mind here
is prostitution, that age old trade of using the body for financial
benefits. The activities of the prostitution ricampus-sex111ng are a
multimillion dollar investment worldwide with tentacles in drugs,
violent crimes, human trafficking and many other vices.
Interestingly, the average prostitute in many climes no longer enjoys
the liberty of dealing her wares as a one man (sorry, woman) enterprise
or sole trader to any interested client today.
To carry on business as usual, she needs protection and this she invests
in with the proceeds from her business as well as sex. Again, a drug
addict or junkie will exchange sex for drugs naturally and when caught
in a tight corner, many women have been known to exchange sex for their
freedom.
Negotiation sex: If the above seem rather on the dark side, let’s bring
it down to base. Many things have been written about the power of the
female anatomy. I mean, bottom power! Many men, both high and lowly have
been known to succumb to the aura of this potent natural endowment.
Many women have perfected the art of using their gifts from mother
nature to get what they want through intense manipulation and
negotiation. Sex is thus used by women to curry favour, to get jobs,
promotions, or even maintain status as the case might be.
A friend once told me the trick she uses to get anything she wants from
her boyfriend. According to her, he is one of those shy types who can
hardly express his thoughts or views on issues, let alone approach
women. So, he considers himself very lucky to have found her and perhaps
cannot trade the opportunity of the occasional sex for anything. (not
yet, at least).
So, for her, most times, She engages in sex to get him to do stuff for
her. Her crude method even involves stopping in the middle of the act to
get him to agree to her demand. And the poor thing just crumbles like a
pack of cards.
Revenge sex: This is common with women who have been hurt and who want
to get their pound of flesh. Often, a wife might cheat on her cheating
husband just to get back at him and probably make him feel the way she
felt. It could also be to get back at a partner who has neglected them.
Again, she might have sex to reassure herself that she is still pretty
and desirable by men after she’d been jilted by one, or to simply walk
out of an existing relationship.
Revenge sex may sometimes take a bizarre twist, depending on motive and
individual. While working on my book, Youth, Sex and Wellbeing, I spoke
with a lady who confessed to having slept with a boyfriend she was no
longer interested in and infected him with a STI. According to her,
she’d gone to visit on his insistence, thinking that she would seize the
opportunity to inform him of her slight indisposition. But to her
annoyance, she caught him escorting another girl off.
And though she’d always known she was not his only partner, seeing him
that day was just too much and she made up her mind to teach him a
lesson. A couple of years back, a National Newspaper published the self
confession of a university undergraduate who at the brink of death,
afflicted with full blown AIDS, claimed she’d purposely passed on the
HIV virus to over 400 men. Her grouse was not with these men but the man
who’d given her the virus and she wanted to take her revenge out on the
world.
If the men thought she was an easy lay at the time, they definitely
would have a change of heart after reading her confession! Cindy Meston
and David Buss, aptly summarised the various motives in these words.
“Every person brings their own individual history to any sexual
situation. The reasons why they are having sex, the way they feel about
the sex and the consequences of having sex are all very different across
individuals no matter what gender they happen to be”. And that includes
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